Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

the greatest twitter interaction

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

😂

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

Our lord and savoury.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.