Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

😍😂🥰😂😍

Jogging has never helped my memory.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.