Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

“no gods no masters” = leo

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

🚲+physics = winner

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.