Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

oppen heimer style lol

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

When your man makes a valid point

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other