Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.