Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
You Might Also Like
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.