Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sugar glider wrangler

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.