Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Morning my dudes.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.