Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
