Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.