Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
How does one answer this?
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
oh my god
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”