Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.