roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.