roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper