roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.