roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
President The Rock Obama
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.