Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
You Might Also Like
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket