Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
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Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Only a mother’s love …
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?