Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
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ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Meow
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
we all know this pain all too well
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain