Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.