Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Sure. Why not?

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time