Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

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Ffs laughed out loud 😂

Where is your GOD now????

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

Still my favourite meme.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.