Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
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We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]