@AdamOfEarth

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

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@JasonLight73

If the camera adds 10 lbs. & Mirrors don’t lie..Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror? It defies logic

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Pro: Learning another language increases your ability to communicate with more people.

Con: Learning another language increases your ability to communicate with more people.

@ashlar36

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

@ElizaBayne

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

@PoodleSnarf

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

@psybermonkey

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

@Bearslietoo

Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it “resisting arrest.”

@suecorvette

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

@BigBec43

There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat’s pretty pissed