Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower![]()
![]()
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Selfie
![]()
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
never compromise your values
![]()
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
yes yes a thousand times yes!
![]()
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”