Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

no refunds

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

figuring out my emotional availability:

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.