Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

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Sometimes you meet someone and know right from the start that you want to spend your whole life without them.


GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao



Everybody thinks “The Social Network” is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is “Ghostbusters”.


So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.


When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.


[Doctor office]
-How are you feeling?
-Not good.
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…


You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.


My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.