Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
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Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.