Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Very good! 👍😂
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop