Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
You Might Also Like
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.