Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

secret recipe