Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
You Might Also Like
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical