Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
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The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.