Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.