Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.