Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.