Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

#Caturday

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.