Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

oh shit

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”