Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
“what that mouth do?” complain
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
