Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
thinking about a very short hotdog
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
