Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Catercrombie & Fish
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
gentlemen, hear me out
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
The honesty is refreshing
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.