Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.