Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Cat or sheep

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

I throw rocks from my glass horse.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)