Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

#milo

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”