Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
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You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
