Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
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I gotta pee.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.