Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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WTF IS THAT!
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you