Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.