Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
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*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.