Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
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My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox