roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
New mindset, who dis?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.