roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
You Might Also Like
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.