roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
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Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*