roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
*sewing*
A thread
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?