roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Doug is just Canadian for dog
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.