Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
idk what this dog had been going through but same
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?