Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

When you put it that way… 😂

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs