Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now