Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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indiana??? now they’re just making up states
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools