your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”