Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
awkward
