Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
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Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
🇺🇸🤭
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
me irl
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me