roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
You Might Also Like
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
wearing a jumpsuit is so fun and flirty until youre in a public restroom
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”