roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.