@hell_doe

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

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@BobbiStonewall

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

@jsteele3966

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

@joejwest

ME: Eat your lemon
PIRATE: No
ME: It stops scurvy
PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye]
ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon]
PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]

@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

@WilliamAder

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

@Coolisiana

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

@trevso_electric

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

@MartaEffing

[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*