roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????