roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.