Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
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No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
It kinda feels like this rn
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Woke up with morning Yule Log
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
yeah no that’s fair
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons