Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory