Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

ㅤ

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.