Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

Unimpressed

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…