Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.