Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I’m not proud
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
TODAY
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.