Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
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carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
why isn’t he texting back
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
CUTE CAT‼︎
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire