Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
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just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology