Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
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Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.